Of wounded windshields and souls

There was one thing that I missed initially when I bought my car, a tiny windshield chip. It was on the lower passenger side, and so tiny that I didn't see it until the sun hit it at a certain angle. Because I saw it before I'd even gotten home, they took it back and tried to fix it. It initially was smooth and looked fixed, but within a couple of hours, a tiny little pit had formed where the crack had been. I didn't want to risk waiting, so I brought it into Henderson Glass. The guy there said it looked like the "cap" that you put over the fix to seal it had come off somehow. Once a crack has been filled, he said, you can't re-fill it, so there was nothing more to be done, humanly speaking. So I'm praying that the Lord will prevent the little pit from cracking further.

So that I would understand what was going on, I did some research on the whole process of repairing windshields. (I enjoy researching so much, if the Internet had been around when I first went to college, I probably would have never graduated. :-)) I found what looked like a good series of videos on repairing windshields. I was struck by how many of the steps in the process resemble how the Lord often deals with our wounded souls. I'll try to comment on some of them over the next few days.

The Lord's provision for my new (to me) car

Seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.--Mt. 6:33 (NAB)


I bought a car! It all came together very quickly and in a way that was very encouraging in showing Jesus' provision for me.

My old car was a '99, and I had been thinking for several months about whether or not I should replace it this summer/fall or try to stretch it out another year. I knew I wanted a used car, had done a fair amount of research, and had my short list of likely models that met my criteria and I could afford. Still, I hate the process of actually buying a car, plus I thought it would be nice to get another year out of it so I could save more money, so I hesitated to take the plunge.

Then in early August my transmission did a couple of strange things -- things that anyone else might not have noticed, but that stood out for me since I know the car so well. Even so, I was wondering, Did I just imagine that? Or should I be looking for another car?

Then about a week later, two of the four fan settings suddenly stopped working. It was a minor thing, but the timing was such that I felt like, yep, this is the time. So I prayed, as I did for my last car, that the Lord, who knows I don't enjoy the process, would simply clear the path between me and the car that He had for me.

As I was praying about it, my sense was that the Lord was saying, You get the money in place, and when the money is in place, the car will be ready. It took a bit of time because I had to cash out some savings bonds, move money from one savings account into my checking account, etc.--and do it all around a fairly busy schedule. Nonetheless, I kept getting onto the Internet at night, double-checking my options and looking at dealer inventories.

I finally felt like I had to stop wasting my time researching any further because I knew what I was looking for and the car wouldn't be ready until the money was in place--but it was really hard not to check "just one more place." By the night before the last money transfer would be completed, I had to not go online at all because I knew I wouldn't be able to resist car shopping! I could almost hear the Lord Jesus gently chiding me for running around online saying "What are we to eat? What are we to drink? What are we to drive?" :-) It was like He was saying to me as He did to the disciples, "Your Father in Heaven knows that you need all these things."

As I was praying on Wednesday, the day the last transfer completed, a dealer came to mind that I hadn't thought of looking at before. After checking Wednesday evening to make sure that the last transferred money was in place in my checking account, I looked up their Web site, checked their used car inventory, and saw a car that met my criteria, so I sent an email asking about it.

On Thursday morning, I got a reply that the car I saw had sold Tuesday afternoon. The sales rep apologized, saying it takes the Web site 24-48 hours to update. However, he said that one just like it, except for the color, had arrived on Wednesday. "No fooling!" he said. I was sure he wasn't. :-) They were open late on Thursday, so I test drove it after work, put down a deposit, and brought in the bank check on Friday. It's a 2007 Ford Focus SES, black, four-door with hatch, very good condition and under 50,000 miles. God willing, it will last me many years.

In addition to the fact that I'm grateful to be done, I also experienced it as another very personal sign of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit's guidance and provision for me. It wasn't like I heard an audible voice or anything. It was just a "sense" that when the money was ready, the car would be, too. It was so encouraging to know that, yes, that is what God was saying! Plus the car has a couple of extra "perks," like an MP3 player, that weren't on my list, but that I'm experiencing as little extra signs of God's love and care for me.

Thank you, dear Lord, for all the ways that you care for me, most recently through this car. Help me to remember that this is not a one-time thing. Rather, "Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and forever." Just as You met my need for a car, so I can trust that You will provide for all my needs, now and forever. Amen.

Jesus, I trust in You for...

Along with handing the reins over to Jesus, I felt like He brought to mind the Divine Mercy prayer of St. Faustina, "Jesus, I trust in You." When the Holy Spirit helps me realize that my mind is going into a rut of anxiety about the future, hand the reins to Jesus for that person, situation, etc., and say to Him, "Jesus, I trust in You for ..."

Although this is still very new for me, I've found it to be very useful already. When concerns about my schedule try to intrude themselves into my thoughts at Mass: "Jesus, I trust in You for my schedule." When twinges happen and I wonder if its acid reflux or signs of heart trouble: "Jesus, I trust in You for my health." When I start thinking about looking for a new car in the midst of my Sunday when I can't do anything about it: "Jesus, I trust in You for my car."

A few months ago, I sensed the Lord saying to me, "You cannot trust Me too much." With the Lord's help, I hope that these strategies will enable me to apply that truth to specific areas of my life.

Lord, I know that You have a plan for every aspect of my life. Please keep helping me to trust in You for every area of my life. Amen.

Dropping the reins

A few months ago, I was considering whether the Lord Jesus wanted me to leave a particular situation that was challenging for me. As I was praying about it, I heard on Catholic Radio, WDEO, the testimony of a woman whose marriage had been spinning out of control because of her husband's alcoholism.

She had an image of herself driving a horse-drawn carriage whose horses had gotten spooked. They were bolting out of control and heading straight for a cliff. Her efforts to bring them into control were futile. She sensed the Lord whispering to her, "Drop the reins. Drop the reins." Just before hitting the edge of the cliff, she finally dropped the reins, and the horses suddenly stopped on their own.

Within the context of what I was praying about at the time, I felt the Lord was saying to me, "Don't leave, but let go." It hasn't been easy; it still isn't. Hyper-responsible first-born that I am, I'm always thinking that there's something I should be doing. But in the background, I sense the whisper, "Drop the reins. Drop the reins."

I'm realizing that this new call from the Lord to "Surrender the future into My Hands" is not new at all. It's just a new articulation of something He's been saying for a while. So it's no surprise that as I asked the Lord to help me to do that, one of the things He brought to mind was "Drop the reins." Or rather, imagine myself handing the reins to Jesus. Still not easy. But He already holds the future in His Hands. Why not acknowledge it and give Him the reins?

My dear Lord, You alone hold the future in Your Hands. Help me to cooperate with You by handing You the reins in every area of my life.

Trust and tongues of fire...

And there appeared to them tongues as of fire, distributed and resting on each one of them.--Acts 2:3 (RSV)

Isn't it interesting that the tongues of fire are always depicted as landing on the disciples' heads? And yet the verse in Acts doesn't actually say that. It simply says that they "rested on each of them."

I wonder if the tongues of fire actually rested on the part of each disciple that most needed to be purified? For some it might have been their mouths. For others, their eyes. For others, their hands. The Blessed Mother, with no need to be purified, would have simply received the Holy Spirit unimpeded into her body, soul, and spirit, from which it would have flashed out from within her to all those around her.

For me, the fire would definitely have landed on my head! So many of my battles are mental battles, and the trustful surrender of the future to the Lord is no exception. The old ruts need to be reworked, but so often I don't even realize that my mind has fallen into an old rut until my emotions are engaged, which makes it that much more difficult to break free mentally.

Holy Spirit, please, in Your mercy, send Your purifying fire into my mind. Help me to recognize the times when my mind goes into a rut by sending Your fire to alert me. Give me the grace to surrender the future, whatever it may be, to the flames, and grow in trust of You. Amen.

Taking time and trust

When I spoke today after Mass with my friend Rose who's a regular blogger, I realized that it had been almost a year since I updated this blog! Not a real shock, given all the other things that have been filling my time, but since I'm just starting to move into my comparatively "down" season at work, I decided to try to take the time to post more often. As an experienced blogger, she said that the key was to write short posts, and if I have something more to say, break it up into smaller installments. We'll see how writing concisely works for me. :-)

For some time now, I've sensed that my prayer life isn't where it should be. It's not that I'm not being faithful to prayer, but there's been a sense that the Lord might have more for me. I've asked Him to show me if this is just a "dry" time, or if it's something He wants to change.

Yesterday as I was praying, I brought it before Him again. What is it, Lord, that's keeping me from entering more deeply into a truly intimate relationship with You? This time, I sensed a response: "Lack of trust in Me." When I asked how to overcome that, I felt like I got an even clearer reply: "Surrender the future into My Hands."

I immediately recognized the truth of that in my life. The older that I get, the more I see things deteriorating both in me physically and around me in many other ways, the more that my mental energy has been consumed with thoughts and low-level anxiety about the future.

But how do I change these mental ruts? Yes, it's the grace of God, but how do I cooperate with that grace? More in a future post. (See, Rose, I listened! :-) )

Cloister of Love

I know, it's been over 6 months since I've posted, and I don't have the time for anything lengthy now. But I just had to share a wonderful blog that I've learned that a fellow Secular Carmelite is writing: Cloister of Love. Its author is a lovely woman of God, who is a wonderful example of how to grow continually in "wisdom and grace," even to old age. I've often thought over the years, "When I grow up, I want to be like Anne." Her blog simply confirms that sentiment in me. Its address: cloisteroflove.wordpress.com. Go and be inspired.